Can I Bed Share and Sleep Train?
No. You cannot.
Sorry to be so concise, but that is the straightforward answer. We can get into details as we move along, but for those of you who just wanted a “yes-or-no,” I thought I would give it to you without a preamble.
When I meet a new client who has been bed sharing, they fall into one of two groups.
- Parents looking to get their kids out of their bed
- Parents who want to keep their kids in their bed, but want them to sleep better
For those parents who are looking to move their little one out of their bed, I have got a variety of approaches which I personalize based on baby’s personality, temperament, and established sleep habits.
For those in group two, I have only one approach. I am happy to help, so call me when you are ready to move your little one to their own bed.
So why do I think that sleep training and bed sharing are incompatible?
It is not because I am a heartless tyrant. In fact, the reason I do not like to work with families who bed share is because I think it is too confusing to the child.
In a bed sharing situation, baby usually has access to a breast whenever they want it, and that is almost always their sleep prop. They wake up in the night, after completing a sleep cycle, and they instinctively go for the breast. Not necessarily because they are hungry, but because that is the way they know to get to sleep. Or if they are older, their sleep prop is simply having a parent right next to them that they can snuggle or touch.
As grown-ups, we do the same thing. We have routines and strategies that we use to get to sleep when we wake up in the night. They are usually very brief and simple, like turning on our backs, taking a sip of water, flipping the pillow, or wrapping our blankets around us, but they are sleep skills, just like nursing or snuggling.
So if you are going to break that association between nursing or snuggling and falling asleep, (which you have to do if you want your baby to sleep through the night without waking you up), then baby has to learn a new skill; one that does not involve you. That is not going to be easy when their favorite method of falling asleep is right in front of their face.
If you are determined to stay in close proximity to your baby when they are sleeping, try using a sidecar or a crib in the room, but there is just no good way to teach a baby not to nurse or a child not to reach out for you if they are sleeping right next to you.
One final thought on this topic before I sign off. I have seen a lot of people on Facebook and other social media channels, saying things like, “They’ll leave your room when they’re ready! Don’t rush them! This time is so short! Nobody sleeps in their parents’ bed when they’re 18!”
Again, if you are happy with the arrangement you have, I am not here to change your approach. But I would like to point out that I have seen families with kids up to eight (!) years old who are still sleeping in their parents’ beds. Do not assume that your little one will get finished brushing his teeth one night and say, “Actually, I think I’ll go sleep on my own bed tonight.”
Sleep habits die hard, especially with kids, so the day your child sleeps in their own bed, in their own room, will probably be the day you tell them they have to.
The good news is that once your child has moved into their own bed and learned some independent sleep skills, they will typically sleep much better, more soundly, and for longer than they do in your bed. And so will you and your partner, which means the whole family will be rested and refreshed in the morning, which comes with a whole collection of mental and physical benefits.
Sleep Well!
